Thursday, January 15, 2009

I rode a scooter!

I haven't updated my blog for a while, because there really isn't anything new going on. The most recent development is that I've given in and rode one of the scooters at Wal-Mart. I've looked at them many times. I'd stand there and eyeball them, wondering when I'd have to ride one. I'd feel like I had enough energy to make it through the store, only to find myself in an aisle, wanting to cry and lay on the floor, from pure exhaustion and weakness.

Last night, I went to the grocery store. We have had some major snow here. We didn't have church because of the weather, and I REALLY needed groceries, so I went out to get some. I got the Kroger sale items, and headed to Wal-Mart. Once inside the store, and not far from the front, I knew I was going down fast. I didn't know how I was going to make it, as I was needing to go through the whole grocery section. I told Ciera that I wished I had a cart to ride. She suggested I get a scooter. I didn't want to do it. I said, "No, I don't know if they even have any up there." Well duh! It's late at night, there's a major snow storm going on, and there were MAYBE 10 people in the whole store shopping. She said she would go get one for me and bring it back. I didn't want her to do that, so I walked up there, and asked the man how to use it. That was embarassing! I felt awful. I know people look at me and don't think I'm sick, because I don't LOOK like I'm sick. What I feel inside is something totally different than what people see on the outside. I felt like collapsing, so I broke down, swallowed my pride, and rode a scooter.

I'd put off riding the scooter for a long time. Actually, I was about to ride them, and then I got my GH replacement, and that helped me tremendously. But, when the cortisol goes high, or other things are out of balance, it doesn't feel like I have any GH in me. I am very weak! After surgery, I was doing so good, and didn't need it. I didn't even consider it, except maybe the first time or two out at the store, right after surgery. But, even then, I made it ok just walking.

It feels like defeat to give in and ride a scooter. I feel like I'm always trying to stay a step ahead of this disease. I don't want to let it win. Riding the scooters made me feel like the disease won. I know it hasn't, but I'd hoped I'd never be this bad again before getting back to surgery. Once I started going downhill, it went fast! Everyone tells me that your highs are higher, and your lows are lower. I think it's true. Once the New Year hit, I went into a low! At first, I didn't know what was happening, because I never felt that bad in a low before. I'd felt like I had high sypmtoms during our winter Campmeeting. I couldn't test because we were gone. Once I got home, I tested, but I'd missed the high. I was going lower on the tests. Then, it hit my bones and muscles. I can't even describe that kind of pain. Just imagine having a very bad flu, and that's about what I felt like. I didn't feel sick to my stomach, but I had joint and muscle pain.

Now, I am starting to feel better, pain wise, and I feel like I'm coming up out of that low cycle. I'm waiting for the next high to hit, and hoping I will get some really high numbers so I can get back on a surgery table somewhere. It's pretty bad when you WANT to have surgery. I just want to feel better! I felt sooo good after surgery. It just didn't last long enough. I'd hoped I wouldn't get this bad before being rediagnosed, and getting another surgery. Wishful thinking, I guess.

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